Perfect Metaphor

The Mother's day 10k race held is Boulder is a perfect getaway for moms like me. Its one day you eat breakfast before your kids. My husband was traveling and I was not sure how my race morning would go. Weather gods predicted wet, cold, snowy trail run - so I had carefully laid out tights, two layers, wind breaker, beanie, gloves.

As expected, there was snow on the ground and it had no plans of stopping. So, clad in many layers, I went for my race after the sitter arrived.  This is a race I do almost every year and one year they had 3000 moms show up! This year, I am sure it was down to a few hundred. But they were there!

There was no warm up as we wanted to stay dry before the race. I always have a lot of emotions before this race. Normally I see Karthik and Adhrit but this year, he was traveling so no kids around to cheer me on, but I think about what it takes to be a mom, and how lucky I am to be at the race!

I remembered all the times that were tough - thought of the 19 hour+ labor for my first kid, having my wisdom teeth all four of them taken out, and still waking up to nurse at night, taking care of kids being sick yourself, having almost blurred vision after going through Magnesium Sulphate IV to stall labor somy 30 week old baby would have lungs that would mature before he could be born,  and the worst - having had to leave my 4 pound baby at the NICU and go home for the night. When I thought of all these events that I endured, running through rain/snow/freezing temperatures seemed so much better. So, I set out.

I am someone who loves to run! Running is my shrink, my heart opener, my constant companion - something that I treasure. I do not take running lightly. But today, it was not easy. The trail was wet, and very slippery, mud puddles every where. I was questioning my intention - "why oh why was I there?" - spending Mother's day at a Spa or in a hot tub seemed to be a better choice.

I saw all the other moms fighting it out in the rain just like me and there were some that were walking which only meant they were going to fight these conditions only longer. That's when I realized - this race was a perfect metaphor of a mom's life. You never have the choice to quit as a mom. You never do. You put one step in front of the other, and take care of endless things for your love bugs.

That's when I realized as a mom this race was a perfect metaphor - moms just do it.

I took each mile as it came - no judgement, didn't care what my splits were. I thanked the volunteers for handing us gatorade and water. One step at a time, I got to the finish line.
The journey was very cleansing. I realized, no matter what the conditions are, I am a tough mom and I am going to do what it takes to do what I set out to do.

I collected a lot of swag for my kids - they were happy to see me. My older son asked "Did you win?" - I told him "yes! I did". He was so proud of me. But I also told him how hard it was, and how I wanted to quit but I didn't, and decided to do one mile at a time and finish the race. I skipped my yoga class in the evening, and just hung out with my kids. We took a nap, and then did jigsaw puzzles, played with shape sorter, made trains, played with cars, read books, had dinner, and bath, and read more books and off to bed. The icing on the cake was getting flowers delivered from Karthik, and of course hand made card by Adhrit. He slept with the card on Saturday night to give me the card first thing in the morning.

I had a wonderful day with my family!

Fresh tracks

Sun rise through the clouds, ducks waking up :) 

I belong to the group of people that require movement to have balance in my life. For me, that comes either through running or swimming. This cold Saturday morning in Boulder was no different. 

There was fresh snow on the ground and had planned to meet a running buddy at 7 am. She cancelled but I was already dressed to run, so I just set out - just myself. 

Start of my run - right outside my house.

I love to run alone especially when I run long - the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other makes everything else in my life seem so trivial. I do not listen to music when I run, but let my mind wander and let my breathing set my pace for the run. I used to run with fancy gadgets that would beep every time my heart rate was higher than a certain number, or when I was running at a slower pace than what was planned. For the last three years that has changed. My runs are dictated by other conditions such as - how much time do I have before a kid wakes up from his nap, or how many bugs do I need to fix (when I run at work) after lunch. The fact that I am running is a celebration to me, and reminds me how lucky I am to be able to run. 

As I ran this morning, I began to notice footprints in the snow covered sidewalks/roads.  For some reason they seemed to attract my attention. Some people were out walking their dogs, some out for a brisk walk, or some other that were running just like me. 

Looks like some dog was out walking all alone :)

I thought of our skiing days when Karthik and I would be at the mountain early and there were runs where we would be first to cut through the snow and leave our trail for other skiers - they were fresh tracks. As I ran through the trails, and side walks, I wanted to find such fresh tracks to run on - they would just have my foot prints :) I continued running until I turned around a corner and it was one of my favorite neighborhood that I found a place to leave some fresh tracks. This just made my day - I was like a 3 year old who just learned to use a die on putty. Not sure why this was so special to me during this run, but my entire day was close to perfect. 

Mother's Day

Moving and unpacking delayed my Mother's day post. Being sick to add to that, did not help either.

Mother's day weekend started well - my son with the help of his teacher made me a card and gave it to me on Friday evening. It was very touching - the teacher asked them "Why do you love your Mama?". Apparently he answered "Fire Engines, Dump Trucks" - I can see where that came from but his teacher did not. When we drive/ride around town together, we always look for fire engines, all different types of trucks, and many times actually stop and appreciate these creatures. After some more prodding, he told the teacher, "I love my mama because she makes me beans, and takes me to school". The card is beautiful and I will save it for a long time to come.

This year, Mother's day was not a big priority as we had just moved to a new house, and definitely unpacking was higher priority. However, like every year, I decided to run the Title 9, Mother's day 10k. I have been doing it since last year, and I use that race to reflect on the year that has gone by. I also want to take the time to do something I inherently love - of course running. Running is something I go to almost 3-4 times a week and it is one thing that helps me clear cobwebs in my head, let's me analyze things logically, and just the act of putting one foot ahead of another - gives a great metaphor to my life. One step at a time, and you can accomplish anything you want - but the key part is "one step at a time". Running keeps life simple.

My husband, and kid came with me to the start of the race. After a little race fuel (thanks to the race expo), we were off. I had tears in my eyes as I missed my mom. They just came, I wasn't actually thinking of my mom, but when they came I realized why they were there. I thought of her, and took control of myself. Did a high-five with my son, and took off.

I normally run a very steady pace - does not matter what the pace is - it is steady. There were a lot of moms that started out too fast, and then were walking within the first kilometer. As the group got thinner, I met a woman who was running happily - she definitely was a Boulder mom - very very fit. I asked her if we could run together as it looked like she ran at the same pace, and she said "Sure."

The race was not the same any more. From being a race, it became a run where we chatted, and looked around at the beautiful scenery, and birds, and ducks, and streams. It was just what I needed. Her perspective was beautiful "Its not the destination, its our journey that matters more" - so the mile markers along the way just became non-existent to me, and just running mattered. She showed me a "couple" and she said "look how happy they look". The couple she was referring to was to two ducks that were waddling through the reservoir. She said "They are happy there are no boats to disturb the waters". All this just took my mind off the race and it became so much more fun. She and I exchanged our backgrounds, and she had been to India and was sharing her perspectives to me. We pulled each other "Up and Over" the hills and we shared ways to get up the "little monsters" as she called the hills faster.  It was two people sharing stories and views.

We got to the finish line together, hugged each other and thanked each other for the company. My son saw me finish the race and after I found out that I had a PR for a 10k - 54 minutes, and got a big kiss from my son, and he said "Happy Mother's day, Mama" - that just made my day.

Perfect Day!

As a mom, there are only a few days you can call perfect - the first day you see you baby smile, turn over, or start walking. For me, these were mostly moments - but to have the entire day to be perfect - it takes the right stars to be aligned in this perfect position and the right phase of the moon - basically its almost rare.

For me, it was April 29th, 2012. I had signed up for a 5k race that was organized for CU Alumni. That race has a special significance to me - I had raced the exact same race pregnant with my son. This year, they allowed parents to run with strollers and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to take my li'l boy with me to this race. I wasn't sure how it would turn out - I asked a few friends to see if they would like to join me. Secretly though I was hoping nobody did cause this was a special event - for me it was taking this real boy to an event that I had done when he was inside of me. I tried not to hype it too much, I did not want anything to jinx it.

We arrived at 8:30 am at the race start, got our packet, pinned in the race number. Adhrit was upset he was not given a race number. In the packet was a can holder and it was yellow and had CU written on it - Adhrit grabbed that right away. So, he asked me "Mama, why are we here?". "We are doing a race Adhrit". He didn't quite follow it, cause we run a lot together but not with so many other people.

As the race director said "Ready, Set, Go" - he saw all the people running along with our stroller. He was just very excited to see everybody run along with us. He was just wondering what was going on. Since we just started, and had fresh set of lungs, I told him that we are all going to find the "Buff Bus" and we need to run fast to get to the "Buff Bus". Now, he loves riding the bus, and he has seen the "Buff Bus" several times but never actually ridden on it. So, he was really pumped up to find this Buff Bus, and actually ride it. For me, it was one way to keep him entertained through the race, and was hoping it was a good enough carrot to keep him guessing and not get bored.

He was singing, talking to people, and cheering me along. Every time, we go up the hill, I have trained him to say "Go Mama, Go. Go Go Go" - he kept saying that to me at the right moments. We were passing runners that were running without joggers and definitely getting a lot of attention. As the pack thinned, he surprised me completely. He was actually counting the number of runners ahead of us. That was a good carrot for me to run harder and catch runners ahead of me. In a way, he actually got me pumped. We had a blast, and finished just at 26 minutes which really is a PR for me, and that too with a 30+ pounder.

Once we got to the finish, he asked the right question: "Where is the Buff Bus Mama?". We asked around and found out that it ran a little later on Sundays. We packed up, and then went to the start of the Buff Bus. We did find it, and rode it. The happiness of his face was just too infectious. We were both very happy as we took a ride in the Buff Bus.

After the ride, he was in no mood to go home, so we decided to get a hair cut. I had some LivingSocial Deals that were going to expire, so I decided to drive to the mall, and get a hair cut. I was not sure what to expect as we were driving to the salon - this was his first hair cut outside. We went to the mall, found the salon, and once we got there, I knew it was the right place. He saw a motorcycle there, and he immediately wanted to sit on it - and that was his chair for the haircut.

I could sense his excitement, and when the lady came over to cut his hair, he hardly moved - the excitement of being on the motor cycle outweighed everything that was going on around him. What a smart salon! They had elephant seats, a seat that was a vintage car with real steering wheel, and rhino seat. Hell, I wanted to get a hair cut there.

After a hair cut, and two lollipops later, we got back home for some well-deserved lunch and nap!


Running is one activity that makes me happy, and can transform any day into a perfect day. But to share it with Adhrit - and have such a perfect race was just an icing on the cake.

Aba-chi Gunal

My parents have been the biggest influence in my life but along with them my grandparents have played a very significant role. On a day to day basis, I find myself thinking about how my parents would react or what they would say to situations that come up. My grand mother was a huge influence on both me and my sister growing up - I see myself emulating the things she would teach us - mainly as women to be independent both mentally and financially, and to be strong in tough situations. I could write an entire article on my grand mother, but not today. 

As I went for a long run, I thought about my grand father (we called him Aba - short for Azoba)  and not so much what I learned from him, but more about our time together. My earliest memories of Aba were from pictures from my childhood. I could see a lot of joy and extreme happiness on both our faces, but what I do remember is that Aba spoke to me and my sister in Marathi very early on.

Aba was a professor and he mainly taught languages at school. From what I remember he was fluent in Marathi, French, Portuguese, and knew Latin. He particularly was fond of Marathi and attended many morchas as a Marathi supporter. I still remember there used to always be a heated discussion at home when we had to fill out forms that asked for our mother tongue. He insisted it was Marathi and not Konkani. 

He took immense pleasure teaching us language classes. He was very happy when we scored well in those subjects. He taught me French and was always eager to see how I did after my exams were done. He would literally answer the entire set of questions once I got back home. He would come to our house changing multiple buses just to see how I did on my French paper. 

I do remember the one incident where he came over home and I had finished my French exam, but he did not want to go over the answers with me. He complained of pain in his shoulder and his back - he ended up having multiple heart attacks that evening. He did survive those attacks, and went on to live a lot longer. He always had a very good and healthy vegetarian diet, but after the heart attacks, he further amended his diet to take away oily foods.

Aba has been the most composed person I have known in my life. He always seemed to have the patience required to deal with any given situation. I still remember him narrating to me one incident in his career as a Professor where he lost his temper. He told me that he regretted it - I do not remember the exact details of the incident but it was definitely a case where the student had misbehaved. 

My sister and I spent summer vacations with Aba and Aji. As any grand parents, they pampered us a lot. Aba used to tell us stories that had some moral where as Aji would tell us stories from the Mahabharatha and Ramayana. Aba encouraged us to read books, and he had a huge library of books that spanned multiple languages. When we were around, the house was in constant disarray. Aba did not like if we moved his pens, and pencils. He wanted his desk neat and clean with a table cloth over it. He was very organized, and liked a sense of order in his life. 

Every year on our birthday, he would send money to "Matruchhaya" trust - an adoption home for orphan kids. He would also take our old clothes, books, pens, pencils and donate it to the kids at the trust. He would send them a money order. When I look back, that is such a noble thing to do - and it teaches you a sense of sharing, and making a difference to a stranger's life. He did that every single year. 

Aba would write letters to me - especially when I started living outside of Goa. I still have couple of letters that he wrote to me. He would write about his health, and how he keeps himself busy and always asked about my health and studies. They were concise but I remember it was always nice to read them. They were also written in Marathi. I have tried to keep up with my Marathi by talking to a few friends who are from Pune, but I feel bad that the fluency in writing and reading is degrading every single day. 

Aba and Aji had a very interesting marriage. They were definitely a "Yin and Yang" couple - more like Yin and Yaaaaaannnng couple.  Aba was the silent, patient, mild-mannered Yin and Aji was the loud, strong-willed Yaaaaaannnng. As kids, we always saw them argue with one another, but I knew that deep inside they did love each other. I remember the one incident when Aji passed away, and Aba started using her walking stick. He told me that he missed her a lot and felt a lot closer to her when he used her walking stick.

From among his grand children, I could sense that he had a soft-corner towards me. He called me "Gunal". I remember I had gifted him a cashmere shawl from Germany. He was an early morning person, and he would wake up around 5 am, and would engage himself doing chores - cleaning the leaves, organizing his desk, or reading some books. But he would wear the shawl every morning. 

It is indeed an honor for me to write about my beloved Aba. As I finished my run, I did Surya Namaskar sequence three times facing the Sun in his honor.  Long live Aba!

All's well that ends well

There are few moments in your life that are life changing - and even fewer times you know at those moments that your life is going to change after this particular moment. I was lucky to realize that moment and at that moment nothing mattered to me.

I sat outside my thesis proposal examination room waiting for a verdict on what was my worst performance at any exam I had taken in my entire life. I do set high pretty high standards for myself, but in no way can I measure yesterday's performance - it was B-A-D.

I was answering my PhD Thesis proposal - an oral examination where I was presenting the thesis topic to my committee and why I believed that topic had potential to be a PhD thesis. Right from slide number 1, yes I mean it - I had questions. They were genuine questions some of them I had answers for, but I got thrown off by most of them. I blanked - for the very first time in my life. I could not answer very simple questions they were asking me. At one point, I had four members of my committee just ganging up against me - at least it felt that way to me at that time. I had tears in my eyes that were not visible to them, but were internal tears. I felt like excusing myself and stepping out to collect myself, and my thoughts. But I decided to be strong and stand up for myself, and for my graduate advisor. I continued with my presentation.

I have been evaluating research of other authors before I came up with my own method for my thesis topic. The methods that we short listed actually worked really well, so well that my method might not be necessary. It hurts very bad when you are asked at your exam - "Why do we need your method?" I was asked that and while I tried to defend the method - the writing was on the wall. So, when I was asked to step out, I was very certain I had to redo all the work that I have been putting in since May. Given that this is very common in a PhD process, it wouldn't be rare that I would be asked to redo things.

I sat outside the examination room, and the committee met to decide in a way my fate. I sat there, and tried to block any negative thoughts that were coming to my mind. I sat there and told myself "whatever they decide in that room will be the best for me" and prepared myself for the worst. I had a lot of good wishes sent to me via text messages, emails, phone calls and hugs - my friends and family wishing me good luck. I could sense that strength as I sat waiting to be called back to know the outcome. I knew I was in safe hands, and only the best would happen for me.

My graduate advisor opened the door and let me in. She mentioned at the door that I had passed but with a condition. That was shocking to me, I did not know how to react to the news. Be happy that I had passed ?? What was the condition ?? The condition is actually something that I needed the most - knowledge of biology, and I had to take a class in biological methods and how the experiments are run, and how to analyze data from biological experiments and i will get to do some experiments as well in a real wet lab!

Also another thing happened that completely humbled me and I felt honored. My committee was not aware that I worked full time and did my research at nights, and over the weekend. Of course they also did not know that I have a 2 year old as my friends point out. Two of my committee members offered to fund my PhD moving forward - they said to my graduate advisor - we can co-advise her and take care of her funding. I did not know what to say.

Not only did I pass this exam, but now I have added support from two of my committee members.

All in all it was a very positive experience and one that is definitely going to change my life.  

Deep rooted Thanksgiving

Last couple of months I have been doing some serious writing - writing a proposal for my upcoming PhD Comprehensive exams, its the 2nd out of the three exams of the entire PhD process. I can't wait for them to be done with, and enjoy the time off - not much really happens here in the US post-thanksgiving until the new year.

This year, we spent Thanksgiving dinner at my friend Suzana's house. I have known Tim and Suzana for 10 years now, and baby sat their kids when I was in graduate school. I used to be Tim's graduate student, and I am so happy to have been in touch with that family for 10 long years. Those years were among the best years of my life in Boulder, CO. We went around the table sharing the one thing we were thankful about, for me it was simple, I was thankful for the good health of all the people I am connected to were in. I really was. I have learned to appreciate the true value of good health.

A couple of days before Thanksgiving, we were talking to our friend Aprille, and she and I got talking about the feeling of "being toghether" or "feeling grounded" and how that feeling is mostly felt when we are with family or in our home town. For me, it is clearly when I land in Goa, and smell the salty air, and feel the humidity on my face. I love Goa ! And I can't even describe the feeling I get when I get home - my parent's house. Yes, that feels like home to me. I still call that home. I know I am married and my parent's house should not be home, but I can't curb the feeling inside me that say "HOME". I do miss going home to a houseful of dogs - we had two dogs - Lucky and Tuffy. I simply miss them. I miss going home to my grand parents. I loved them a lot, and I still do. Many times when I am in trouble, I still talk to my grand-mom - she was a woman full of confidence, and strength. She embodied those qualities. She always said a phrase before going to bed, and I am not very religious, but when I say that phrase - I get the same strength within me.

I grew up in a very close knit family - both my dad's and mom's side. Being doctors, my parents used to be on call when we were little, and my mom's sisters just picked us up the nights my parents were both on call. It was as simple as that. They took turns, and was not a big deal. As I write this today, and I think of how valuable that was - I realize how lucky we were. Every parent in the US, will know exactly what I mean. Till this day, we are very close to my aunts and their spouses. When I go home, I meet a lot of family - and I love it. I meet the people who I really love, and just ignore the other people. I have limited time in Goa, so I make the most of it. Sometimes I wonder, why don't we just live our life that way?

Goa is a land of beaches, beautiful beaches - living in the mountains for so long, that is clearly an attraction when I go home. But the last two trips, I realized that I do not care that there are beaches there. I want to be with the people I love, I yearn for that. Those are the people I grew up with, those are the people that make me "feel grounded", make me feel "rooted in the ground" and I feel such a strength within me that really transforms me into another person. My shoulders drop, and ears pop, and my palate is empty and as my yoga instructor would say - the sensation you get when you say "aaaah". No amount of yoga gives me that sensation. Its magical and very personal.

As I sat at the Thanksgiving table this year at Tim's house, I got very close sensations there. Those sensations that help me feel grounded, deep rooted. I felt a sense of protection there, felt that if anything went wrong, I will be ok. I never say what I really feel deep within except when I said what I was thankful for. No pretense in what I was thankful for, just words that came from my heart.

Thanks Tim & Suzana!