All's well that ends well

There are few moments in your life that are life changing - and even fewer times you know at those moments that your life is going to change after this particular moment. I was lucky to realize that moment and at that moment nothing mattered to me.

I sat outside my thesis proposal examination room waiting for a verdict on what was my worst performance at any exam I had taken in my entire life. I do set high pretty high standards for myself, but in no way can I measure yesterday's performance - it was B-A-D.

I was answering my PhD Thesis proposal - an oral examination where I was presenting the thesis topic to my committee and why I believed that topic had potential to be a PhD thesis. Right from slide number 1, yes I mean it - I had questions. They were genuine questions some of them I had answers for, but I got thrown off by most of them. I blanked - for the very first time in my life. I could not answer very simple questions they were asking me. At one point, I had four members of my committee just ganging up against me - at least it felt that way to me at that time. I had tears in my eyes that were not visible to them, but were internal tears. I felt like excusing myself and stepping out to collect myself, and my thoughts. But I decided to be strong and stand up for myself, and for my graduate advisor. I continued with my presentation.

I have been evaluating research of other authors before I came up with my own method for my thesis topic. The methods that we short listed actually worked really well, so well that my method might not be necessary. It hurts very bad when you are asked at your exam - "Why do we need your method?" I was asked that and while I tried to defend the method - the writing was on the wall. So, when I was asked to step out, I was very certain I had to redo all the work that I have been putting in since May. Given that this is very common in a PhD process, it wouldn't be rare that I would be asked to redo things.

I sat outside the examination room, and the committee met to decide in a way my fate. I sat there, and tried to block any negative thoughts that were coming to my mind. I sat there and told myself "whatever they decide in that room will be the best for me" and prepared myself for the worst. I had a lot of good wishes sent to me via text messages, emails, phone calls and hugs - my friends and family wishing me good luck. I could sense that strength as I sat waiting to be called back to know the outcome. I knew I was in safe hands, and only the best would happen for me.

My graduate advisor opened the door and let me in. She mentioned at the door that I had passed but with a condition. That was shocking to me, I did not know how to react to the news. Be happy that I had passed ?? What was the condition ?? The condition is actually something that I needed the most - knowledge of biology, and I had to take a class in biological methods and how the experiments are run, and how to analyze data from biological experiments and i will get to do some experiments as well in a real wet lab!

Also another thing happened that completely humbled me and I felt honored. My committee was not aware that I worked full time and did my research at nights, and over the weekend. Of course they also did not know that I have a 2 year old as my friends point out. Two of my committee members offered to fund my PhD moving forward - they said to my graduate advisor - we can co-advise her and take care of her funding. I did not know what to say.

Not only did I pass this exam, but now I have added support from two of my committee members.

All in all it was a very positive experience and one that is definitely going to change my life.  

Deep rooted Thanksgiving

Last couple of months I have been doing some serious writing - writing a proposal for my upcoming PhD Comprehensive exams, its the 2nd out of the three exams of the entire PhD process. I can't wait for them to be done with, and enjoy the time off - not much really happens here in the US post-thanksgiving until the new year.

This year, we spent Thanksgiving dinner at my friend Suzana's house. I have known Tim and Suzana for 10 years now, and baby sat their kids when I was in graduate school. I used to be Tim's graduate student, and I am so happy to have been in touch with that family for 10 long years. Those years were among the best years of my life in Boulder, CO. We went around the table sharing the one thing we were thankful about, for me it was simple, I was thankful for the good health of all the people I am connected to were in. I really was. I have learned to appreciate the true value of good health.

A couple of days before Thanksgiving, we were talking to our friend Aprille, and she and I got talking about the feeling of "being toghether" or "feeling grounded" and how that feeling is mostly felt when we are with family or in our home town. For me, it is clearly when I land in Goa, and smell the salty air, and feel the humidity on my face. I love Goa ! And I can't even describe the feeling I get when I get home - my parent's house. Yes, that feels like home to me. I still call that home. I know I am married and my parent's house should not be home, but I can't curb the feeling inside me that say "HOME". I do miss going home to a houseful of dogs - we had two dogs - Lucky and Tuffy. I simply miss them. I miss going home to my grand parents. I loved them a lot, and I still do. Many times when I am in trouble, I still talk to my grand-mom - she was a woman full of confidence, and strength. She embodied those qualities. She always said a phrase before going to bed, and I am not very religious, but when I say that phrase - I get the same strength within me.

I grew up in a very close knit family - both my dad's and mom's side. Being doctors, my parents used to be on call when we were little, and my mom's sisters just picked us up the nights my parents were both on call. It was as simple as that. They took turns, and was not a big deal. As I write this today, and I think of how valuable that was - I realize how lucky we were. Every parent in the US, will know exactly what I mean. Till this day, we are very close to my aunts and their spouses. When I go home, I meet a lot of family - and I love it. I meet the people who I really love, and just ignore the other people. I have limited time in Goa, so I make the most of it. Sometimes I wonder, why don't we just live our life that way?

Goa is a land of beaches, beautiful beaches - living in the mountains for so long, that is clearly an attraction when I go home. But the last two trips, I realized that I do not care that there are beaches there. I want to be with the people I love, I yearn for that. Those are the people I grew up with, those are the people that make me "feel grounded", make me feel "rooted in the ground" and I feel such a strength within me that really transforms me into another person. My shoulders drop, and ears pop, and my palate is empty and as my yoga instructor would say - the sensation you get when you say "aaaah". No amount of yoga gives me that sensation. Its magical and very personal.

As I sat at the Thanksgiving table this year at Tim's house, I got very close sensations there. Those sensations that help me feel grounded, deep rooted. I felt a sense of protection there, felt that if anything went wrong, I will be ok. I never say what I really feel deep within except when I said what I was thankful for. No pretense in what I was thankful for, just words that came from my heart.

Thanks Tim & Suzana!

Just a little Mesa-Sunrise

After a lot of hurdles, I finally booked our flight to Goa to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. When I knew I was going for his birthday, I decided that I would make something special for his birthday - something I would create.  I knew I wanted to write since that is something I knew he would like.

I went on several runs, long runs, and short runs, but no words came to me. I did realize I wanted to write him a poem. He enjoys art, so I also decided to get him a nice painting. It was a week to go, and still no words. No painting/art I had liked! What was I going to do??? I knew the words would come but when? On the flight with a toddler ? No way, Jose!. 

I tried to clear the clutter - keep my brain empty. Is that even humanly possible ? I had no job to work on, so that was clear, I had a meeting with my graduate advisor, and I had made my to-do list for when I got back from the trip, and the last thing that was remaining to do - pack my bags. I packed more than a week before my trip, and this included Adhrit's diaper bag as well ! 

After getting Adhrit in bed, I decided to give the poem a shot, and the words just flowed, and believe it or not, the poem was written in less than 3 hours. I couldn't believe what just happened once I cleared the clutter. Should we do this in our life too ? Clear the clutter and the task at hand will just work out - definitely something to think about.

I still had the art/painting part of the gift missing. Karthik suggested that I go to Chataqua and take a picture myself. My dad loves the Flatiron mountains and so that became the theme for the picture. So, a day before my trip, at sunrise, I went with a camera, my running shoes to Chataqua trails. One of the trails is called the Mesa trail, and something about this trail just opens my heart, so I decided to run on this trail and get some shots. After the initial uphill, I got to the trail, and started taking pictures.I hadn't run on this trail in almost 2 years - its a trail you run only when you are fit, otherwise it definitely gets the better of you. The trail was fresh, and I could tell very few people had been on it. It just smelled fresh, and untethered. There are a few favorite spots - one of them is a 2 step bridge, with a little water below it and to the right, I don't know why I always imagine that there is a lion/tiger in a den. I thought of the same as I ran through that spot. I took a moment to enjoy that spot - very serene. I ran through and then the next favorite spot - you run up and you see the sun, and all you want to do is clasp your hands in a prayer and do a sun salutation. That spot is just breath taking, I spent a moment there. I ran through the meadows that followed, but I did not accomplish my mission. There was a part of the trail that would give me the best shots, but they had closed it down cause there were supposedly bats inhabiting it. I was sad when I got to that sign, but not upset or felt demoralized. I called Karthik, and he told me to go to the Chataqua trail and the right position to get the pictures. So, I got myself to run back and on this new trail. Something magical happened on the way back, I saw acorns fall from the tree right as I ran on this trail. I don't know why, but to me that was something I had never experienced. They smelled fresh, and definitely brought a big smile on my face.

I hurried back to the trail, and on my way back stopped by the Sun Spot as I call it, and my Tiger Spot, and to the Chataqua trail. I took around 200+ pictures, and finally narrowed down to three best pictures, to finally select the best among them. The 2nd picture is what I selected to print on the canvas.

The canvas print was ready at 4 pm - the evening before I was leaving, and my dad loved the print, as well as the poem.

Under the green and leafy tree

The last two years have been very different years of my life. Being a mom has taught me a lot of things and I wouldn't say has transformed me or made me a better person. I look at it as a new feature that I have added to myself - truly a statement by a software engineer!

Adhrit, and I have had a lot of memories and I have to be honest and say, they have been good, and not so good memories. He and I recently took a trip together to India - a 15 hour non stop flight from Newark, NJ to Bombay - yea, just the 2 of us. When we got to Bombay, I realized how good a team we were. We had our moments - he was too tall to fit on my lap (he was not yet 2 when we travelled) and the flight was completely booked, and was sick with a bad chest cold. But we endured the journey, and had a great time with families back home (my home) and got back in one piece (one team). We went there to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday, and he understood the concept of birthday, and cake and so when we got back (a week before his birthday), he told me that he wanted "Dino cake", and "Buzz Light year" cake - he knew exactly what he wanted.

The evening before his birthday, we got the cake, Buzz Light Year balloon, Pichiba (Mickey Mouse) balloon, and a "2" candle and got home. I couldn't wait for tomorrow. All's well that ends well - of course not to be. Middle of the night, he threw up and we thought he might have caught the stomach bug! He was definitely not himself the next morning, no throwing up, but just not himself. I still tried to decorate the table with his cake, cup-cakes, the balloons, all his birthday presents (including the caterpillar truck!), and Dino cake, and his "2" candle. We did sing "Happy Birthday" for him, but he was not into it.

He and I stayed home, and took a nice nap, and he felt better. We talked to his cousin on skype, and she sang "Happy Birthday" to him, and slowly I could see life back into him. He said to me "Mama, let's go for a walk and play". How can I ignore something like that? So, we took a ball to kick, and went for a walk. In a field very close to our house, he saw boys playing football - so he asked for the ball and he and I played kick ball (just kicked the ball around) for 45 minutes or so. He was so happy to just kick the ball around. After some time, I had a blanket with me, so I lay it under a tree - and he wanted to lie down. And we lay there together, and we saw the blue skies, white fluffy clouds, and green tree. And he said to me "Sing it Mama - Under the green song", and it was just perfect we sang "Under the green and leafy tree, Ready for a Jamboree, We are happy as can be, Under the green and leafy tree". I thought to myself - this was the best moment of the day. And how apt was the song that he picked to sing. This was picture perfect way to celebrate his birthday. We played a little longer, and then he asked me to go running, so we ran to the park together, and had more fun there.

Happy Birthday my li'l boy Adhrit! I love you, and love you, and love you!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and my friend convinced me to do the Mother's day 9k+ race with her. When it comes to running, it does not take too much of convincing - I signed up. It was a hard race, pretty hilly course, and a race that I would have liked to have ended at the 4k marker. I never feel like this about running, and yet that was the exact thought that came to my mind. I finished strong for how I was feeling - 56 mins for 6.1 miles.

As I tried to nap after the race, a lot of thoughts came to my mind - may be it was destined to be a hard race reminding all the mother's that its not easy being a mom. But it taught us all to put one foot ahead of the other, and go up and over time and again. Every mom has been through tougher days than today, starting from what I call "Labor day, to the endless nights tending to a new born, learning the "breastfeeding dance" as my nurse called it, umpteen diaper changes, handled numerous tantrums,  and the list keeps going on and on, but each of us have gone "up and over" and enjoyed the journey motherhood has to offer.

Today, I thought about my mother, not that I do not think of her other days, but today was really special. A friend once told me "You realize your mom's worth around when you are 25 years old, but you never really vocalize it until you are 30 years old" and I think that is very true. Its tough to start penning down every quality of your mom, especially if you have a mom like mine. Let me give this a shot.

My mom is an aneasthesiologist, and works at Goa Medical College. Well, that is her profession, however, she has so many other traits that went through my mind today. Being a doctor, she was definitely on the busy side as a mom, but it amazes me when I think about my childhood how much she actually did for us. It amazes me more now more than ever before cause I am now a mom, and I understand how difficult it is.

She stitched all our clothes I think until we were around 10 years old, and the dresses she made for us - well I still remember the red dress with dolls embroidered on it. That dress and many more but for some reason that dress really stands out. She always made our breakfast - which included making mango/pine-apple jams - yea she actually took a class that taught her to make these jams. She still makes them and now she has a new fan for them in my husband. She made us chapattis from scratch i.e. made them starting from the dough every single morning. She made sure we were getting sufficient nutrition especially cause we were very active as kids doing swimming competitively - we were always hungry. She cooked/prepared all of snacks - none of these goldfish crackers, or chews, or squishable pouches, or other store bought stuff. All this while being a doctor!

I still remember studying with my mom - she did her M.D while we were very young. I recollect the days she would study for her exams waking up at 4 am, so she could get a few hours of studies done before her "mommy clock" for the day started, and staying up late after all of us ate dinner, and her kitchen was spotlessly clean! To this day, remembering this keeps me going as I attempt to get my Phd.

When it came to lunch/dinner - she really is an excellent cook. She exposed us to different cuisines very early with Chinese being something she was really good at. This is not a very common thing kids from India grow up with. I think we were blessed. I still remember being a very picky eater - no onions, no cilantro, did not eat most of the dishes that were served but somehow she managed to cook around me. She would make homemade pizzas, wonton soup, and american chopsuey, and many other exotic dishes!

Both my parents were very strict when it came to education with us. They did not like when we had bad grades. I am glad about that to some extent - I think it only did me good in life.

I did mention about stitching and embroidery - well my grand mom, and mom were really very talented in that field. When it came to my wedding, she made me a trouseau that any bride would be jealous about. She embroidered several bed spreads with intricate design, countless pillow covers, and also crotched a very nice table cloth. I am probably missing a lot since I am yet to use 1/3 rd of the stuff she hand made for me. I am only doing it injustice.

My mom is very endearing in nature, she finds a way of fitting herself in any situation, any family and does it in a way that she does no harm to the people involved. I have seen this quality demonstrated so many times since my childhood. She readily accepts someone else's point even though she knows that person is not right - she says "it does not make her small" but her way of thinking is - "the other person himself/herself realizes their mistake" - I think this quality has really helped her a lot. I think life would be a lot easier if there were more people who thought like her.

I could go and on like I said earlier about my mom, there are couple of things that I would like to go on about. She has this ability to complete any project to perfection when she puts her mind to it. I have seen how she helped both my sister and me when we became mom's ourselves - the first three months with an infant are not easy. But she took time off and was there with us to help in any way that she could. She has shown us both what unconditional, never-ending love is.

This Mother's Day is for and about my mom for me.

I hate to start my posts by saying the same starting line "Its been a while since I visited this site". Not that I have a lot of user eagerly waiting for my posts, but it means I have not explored my literary side in a while.

This last year has been challenging, interesting, and humiliating if I were to sum it up in three words. I wouldn't rate this as the best year I have had in my life - the best year still is 2005 to me for multiple reasons. It was the year I felt S-T-R-O-N-G.

The last year was challenging - having a child in October, 2009 meant most of the challenges were going to be in the following year - how different relationships changed after having a child, how new relationships got formed, and also how having the child made the same things I did earlier with utmost ease, left me struggling. I couldn't get the same level of exercise I needed which is what I think made the biggest difference to my year. The exercised Shweta is much better person in life.

The year was also very interesting - also thanks to my son Adhrit. It continues to amaze how much he has grown in this one year, and how much he has learned, all this has happened so to say "under my nose". I have seen him grow from the little 5 pound munchkin to a walking/talking little toddler (he is 14 months old now).

This year finally was very humiliating - I have made so many mistakes in this past year, and this year has been probably the toughest year of my life.  I have tried different things, and experimented trying to have a regular routine, but only met with challenges and that has taught me to be humble, and appreciate that somethings are tough, and not everything goes your way all the time. I have learned to appreciate the small successes I have had this year.

Now over to 2011. Beginning of last year, I had created a text document of my goals and as usual made a list. I am a list person. This year I thought differently. I decided to have two goals for my family. Just two simple words - "Health", and "Education". Concise and clear.

I have always run on the first of the year - it just happens to be something that I have done over the last few years. This year was no different. It was cold and snowy, and around 3:30 pm after my son was down for a nap, I went out on my new year's day run. It was very cold, and thoughts of turning back did come to my mind a couple of times - but I decided to give my body a chance to warm up, and it did.

The trail I normally run on was there - almost waiting :-) The scenery was beautiful - least to say. The snow was white and clean, the air was pure, and there was nobody on the trail. The stream along the trail was frozen, but had some snow that had melted.

Here is a picture, and every picture is worth a thousand words. I got my message for 2011 - peaceful and serene. That is how I want my year to be.