Sometimes you come to a point where you question yourself, your nature, what you are as a person. Those are times I look forward to a long run to get these answers.
Recently, I have heard a lot of feedback from some close people that my nature is very "fake", "drama queen". This did hurt initially but I did what I learned about how to deal with feedback. The most successful people are people who keep their critics very close to them. So, I decided to think about when I might have appeared "fake" or might have appeared to be a "drama queen".
We have an exercise at Cisco, where we get 360 degrees feedback from your team members, your boss, and the other people you work with through the year. One feedback from my boss of 3+ years was "She is very easy to work with, she says what she means - you can read her like a book". This was before the exact opposite feedback I got - where I was called "fake".
I was at crossroads - what was I doing in my personal life that was so "fake" that I was not doing in my professional life.
When I was offered a job out of college, my dad told me two things that I am still working on today:
1. You have to partition your brain into two zones - one for your personal life, and the other for your
professional life.
2. This was specific to me - he said - you get the big picture very well, focus on doing well at the details.
Very simple and concise.
I have tried very hard to work on both these points - I think I focussed more 1, after I experienced a project being cancelled at Cisco. I realized how easy it was to cancel or void the work that was done for 2.5 years by 8 engineers in one sentence! At that point I decided, it does not make any sense to spend my evenings or my weekends for Cisco. And I can count on one hand the weekends I have worked since October 2008. After my son was born, number 1 was achieved very easily. There is really no time or energy to focus on work after you get home. I am still working on number 2 and slowly I am getting better.
Back to the "fake" comment. As I ran, I tried to think how might I have been "fake" in my personal life. One thing that I realized - just as my peers can read me as a book - the same might be happening in my personal life too except one thing. In my personal life, I say things that are in my mind, I probably say things too early, and do not give too much thought to them. Many times, they might be very random, and might not mean much - more like a brain storming session. At work, you warn your co-workers that you are brain storming - you don't do such things in your personal life. That can cause people close to me to misunderstand me. I realized I need to think through all the cases before saying something that I want to do and not be a complete impromptu person.
Being an engineer in my professional life, that never happens - when you are solving a problem - you consider a lot of pros and cons of the solution that you have in your mind, and then when you have everything together, you discuss this, and propose it to your peers.
As I looped around the neighborhood through my run, I found the answer staring right at me - I have to use more of my professional skills in my personal life. Think more, analyze more, and then speak.
I could see the change in my stride after I realized what I should be doing. That is what I like about running - it gives me insight and solutions to problems that I might be going through in my life. And I realized, I have a place where I can be impromptu, can utter things that will not hurt anybody, where I can talk my thoughts through - and that is during my run, and nobody but my run will know. And when I have refined my thoughts, I can talk to people involved. Amen!
It has now received a very sacred status in my life.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A-T-I
All families are unique in their own way. My family is no exception. I grew up in a very close knit family - my mom's side family as well as my dad's side family. They were very different families but were both very close knit.
My dad's side of the family were definitely more loud, most of them had a very dominating character, they were people who would share a loud laugh - including the women (my grandmother and her siblings were the loudest!) Coming from India where women are anything but dominating (my grandmom's generation) and loud.
This post is for my aunt - a.k.a Ati. She is my dad's cousin (first cousin). She completed 60 years on Sept 2nd, 2010. I just don't believe she is 60 years old - she is someone who personifies young and cheerful, not someone who can be 60 years old. Something does not seem right when I think that she is 60 years old!
We grew up living very close to each other - literally 5-7 mins walk from each other. Her kids (my second cousin's - Dada and Sameet) are similar ages to me and my sister. We grew up together, went on trips together, celebrated birthday's, celebrated rakhsa-bandhan, bhaubiz, and shared many more dinners, car rides together. Every event that included Ati was something we looked forward to. She had, and still does have a way of turning the most boring event into an event filled with fun and laughter. She had a way to charm the audience no matter the age of her audience. She always has something for everyone.
When we went on road trips - they were mostly to places close to Goa - like Belgaum, Amboli - my sister and I always went in Ati's car. Not that they had a fun car or anything - the car did not matter, it was bound to be fun when Ati was around. She had a way to entertain and that entertainment was just narrating tales that were fun, and she would always associate some song with a situation. It was amusing.
I still remember the trip we made to Belgaum - I do not remember the purpose of the trip. But she loves ice-cream and we went to this really cool ice-cream place that had very exotic ice-creams. Basically sundae's with different fruit/nut toppings. In the mid-80's that was very exotic, and not something you got in Goa. I remember her sons, and I ordered Vanilla ice-cream. She literally acted like she did not know us when the waiter arrived to take our order. She always got the most exotic ice-cream or chocolate.
For our birthdays, she always got us very unique presents! She knew what to get and at what age - that was the present you looked forward to open. Or save it for the end - you knew it was going to be good.
Every raksha-bandhan, she always had the best rakhi for my dad - every year they got better and better - they were the best sold in the market, and she also had a song that went with the rakhi she sang as she tied the rakhi to my dad. Same with bhaubiz, there was always a new song every year ! That kind of enthusiasm is infectious - some has brushed on me but nothing at that level.
We had a trademark picture that we took with her in the middle, and me and my sister on each side. I do not have the picture when we were little. We did version 2.0 of that picture during my wedding reception - and yea, both me and sister were 20 years or something older, but Ati had the same infectious enthusiasm.
I got to spend a little more time with Ati for Dada's wedding, but not a lot of quality time. But I saw her enthusiasm as she welcomed her daughter-in-law. I could see that she was greeting the new member in their family with the same enthusiasm. I am sure she is a fine mother-in-law. I am sure Sunaina has a good time chatting with her, and sharing a part of her life with her. There is never a dull moment when Ati is around.
When I look back to all the times we had together with Dada and Sameet - I always wonder how my parents had the time or rather how they made time for every child's birthday, every adult's birthday, and wedding anniversaries, and other casual dinners. Also, what stands out to me is how close of cousins my dad and Ati were. That family or rather extended family closeness is very unique and growing up I saw how our families were really there for one another. Since me, and my sister did not have a brother, Dada and Sameet were like brothers to us. There wasn't a question in my mind for every Raksha-bandhan whom I was tying a rakhi to! Our family made raksha-bandhan and bhaubiz a very grand celebration. Those were really fun times, and Ati of course made them more fun!
Now that Dada, Sameet, Shubhra, and I are literally on different continents, the distance has made the same relationships we once had a little distant. We are now "in touch" on "Facebook", or "Orkut" or "Skype". These social networking sites do help - i.e. we can see what each of us are doing, and what is going on in each of our lives, but what is missing is that these experiences are not shared or that same togetherness does not exist. I can see that we have additional responsibilities to make sure the next generation knows their cousins. How we do it is a challenge, and just like my parents, and Ati's family took the time to build strong bonds we will need to do the same - possibly over Skype or something similar.
My dad's side of the family were definitely more loud, most of them had a very dominating character, they were people who would share a loud laugh - including the women (my grandmother and her siblings were the loudest!) Coming from India where women are anything but dominating (my grandmom's generation) and loud.
This post is for my aunt - a.k.a Ati. She is my dad's cousin (first cousin). She completed 60 years on Sept 2nd, 2010. I just don't believe she is 60 years old - she is someone who personifies young and cheerful, not someone who can be 60 years old. Something does not seem right when I think that she is 60 years old!
We grew up living very close to each other - literally 5-7 mins walk from each other. Her kids (my second cousin's - Dada and Sameet) are similar ages to me and my sister. We grew up together, went on trips together, celebrated birthday's, celebrated rakhsa-bandhan, bhaubiz, and shared many more dinners, car rides together. Every event that included Ati was something we looked forward to. She had, and still does have a way of turning the most boring event into an event filled with fun and laughter. She had a way to charm the audience no matter the age of her audience. She always has something for everyone.
When we went on road trips - they were mostly to places close to Goa - like Belgaum, Amboli - my sister and I always went in Ati's car. Not that they had a fun car or anything - the car did not matter, it was bound to be fun when Ati was around. She had a way to entertain and that entertainment was just narrating tales that were fun, and she would always associate some song with a situation. It was amusing.
I still remember the trip we made to Belgaum - I do not remember the purpose of the trip. But she loves ice-cream and we went to this really cool ice-cream place that had very exotic ice-creams. Basically sundae's with different fruit/nut toppings. In the mid-80's that was very exotic, and not something you got in Goa. I remember her sons, and I ordered Vanilla ice-cream. She literally acted like she did not know us when the waiter arrived to take our order. She always got the most exotic ice-cream or chocolate.
For our birthdays, she always got us very unique presents! She knew what to get and at what age - that was the present you looked forward to open. Or save it for the end - you knew it was going to be good.
Every raksha-bandhan, she always had the best rakhi for my dad - every year they got better and better - they were the best sold in the market, and she also had a song that went with the rakhi she sang as she tied the rakhi to my dad. Same with bhaubiz, there was always a new song every year ! That kind of enthusiasm is infectious - some has brushed on me but nothing at that level.
We had a trademark picture that we took with her in the middle, and me and my sister on each side. I do not have the picture when we were little. We did version 2.0 of that picture during my wedding reception - and yea, both me and sister were 20 years or something older, but Ati had the same infectious enthusiasm.
 |
| At my wedding reception, November 2005. |
When I look back to all the times we had together with Dada and Sameet - I always wonder how my parents had the time or rather how they made time for every child's birthday, every adult's birthday, and wedding anniversaries, and other casual dinners. Also, what stands out to me is how close of cousins my dad and Ati were. That family or rather extended family closeness is very unique and growing up I saw how our families were really there for one another. Since me, and my sister did not have a brother, Dada and Sameet were like brothers to us. There wasn't a question in my mind for every Raksha-bandhan whom I was tying a rakhi to! Our family made raksha-bandhan and bhaubiz a very grand celebration. Those were really fun times, and Ati of course made them more fun!
Now that Dada, Sameet, Shubhra, and I are literally on different continents, the distance has made the same relationships we once had a little distant. We are now "in touch" on "Facebook", or "Orkut" or "Skype". These social networking sites do help - i.e. we can see what each of us are doing, and what is going on in each of our lives, but what is missing is that these experiences are not shared or that same togetherness does not exist. I can see that we have additional responsibilities to make sure the next generation knows their cousins. How we do it is a challenge, and just like my parents, and Ati's family took the time to build strong bonds we will need to do the same - possibly over Skype or something similar.
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