Feedback Loop

Sometimes you come to a point where you question yourself, your nature, what you are as a person. Those are times I look forward to a long run to get these answers.

Recently, I have heard a lot of feedback from some close people that my nature is very "fake",  "drama queen". This did hurt initially but I did what I learned about how to deal with feedback. The most successful people are people who keep their critics very close to them.  So, I decided to think about when I might have appeared "fake" or might have appeared to be a "drama queen".

We have an exercise at Cisco, where we get 360 degrees feedback from your team members, your boss, and the other people you work with through the year. One feedback from my boss of 3+ years was "She is very easy to work with, she says what she means - you can read her like a book". This was before the exact opposite feedback I got - where I was called "fake".

I was at crossroads - what was I doing in my personal life that was so "fake" that I was not doing in my professional life.

When I was offered a job out of college, my dad told me two things that I am still working on today:
1. You have to partition your brain into two zones - one for your personal life, and the other for your  
     professional life.
2. This was specific to me - he said - you get the big picture very well, focus on doing well at the details.

Very simple and concise.

I have tried very hard to work on both these points - I think I focussed more 1, after I experienced a project being cancelled at Cisco. I realized how easy it was to cancel or void the work that was done for 2.5 years by 8 engineers in one sentence! At that point I decided, it does not make any sense to spend my evenings or my weekends for Cisco. And I can count on one hand the weekends I have worked since October 2008.  After my son was born, number 1 was achieved very easily. There is really no time or energy to focus on work after you get home.  I am still working on number 2 and slowly I am getting better.

Back to the "fake" comment. As I ran, I tried to think how might I have been "fake" in my personal life. One thing that I realized - just as my peers can read me as a book - the same might be happening in my personal life too except one thing. In my personal life,  I say things that are in my mind, I probably say things too early, and do not give too much thought to them.  Many times, they might be very random, and might not mean much - more like a brain storming session. At work, you warn your co-workers that you are brain storming - you don't do such things in your personal life. That can cause people close to me to misunderstand me. I realized I need to think through all the cases before saying something that I want to do and not be a complete impromptu person.

Being an engineer in my professional life, that never happens - when you are solving a problem - you consider a lot of pros and cons of the solution that you have in your mind, and then when you have everything together, you discuss this, and propose it to your peers.

As I looped around the neighborhood through my run, I found the answer staring right at me - I have to use more of my professional skills in my personal life. Think more, analyze more, and then speak.

I could see the change in my stride after I realized what I should be doing. That is what I like about running - it gives me insight and solutions to problems that I might be going through in my life. And I realized, I have a place where I can be impromptu, can utter things that will not hurt anybody, where I can talk my thoughts through - and that is during my run, and nobody but my run will know.  And when I have refined my thoughts, I can talk to people involved. Amen!

It has now received a very sacred status in my life.

A-T-I

All families are unique in their own way. My family is no exception. I grew up in a very close knit family - my mom's side family as well as my dad's side family. They were very different families but were both very close knit.

My dad's side of the family were definitely more loud, most of them had a very dominating character, they were people who would share a loud laugh - including the women (my grandmother and her siblings were the loudest!) Coming from India where women are anything but dominating (my grandmom's generation) and loud.

This post is for my aunt - a.k.a Ati. She is my dad's cousin (first cousin). She completed 60 years on Sept 2nd, 2010. I just don't believe she is 60 years old - she is someone who personifies young and cheerful, not someone who can be 60 years old. Something does not seem right when I think that she is 60 years old!

We grew up living very close to each other - literally 5-7 mins walk from each other. Her kids (my second cousin's - Dada and Sameet) are similar ages to me and my sister. We grew up together, went on trips together, celebrated birthday's, celebrated rakhsa-bandhan, bhaubiz, and shared many more dinners, car rides together. Every event that included Ati was something we looked forward to. She had, and still does have a way of turning the most boring event into an event filled with fun and laughter. She had a way to charm the audience no matter the age of her audience. She always has something for everyone.
When we went on road trips - they were mostly to places close to Goa - like Belgaum, Amboli - my sister and I always went in Ati's car. Not that they had a fun car or anything - the car did not matter,  it was bound to be fun when Ati was around.  She had a way to entertain and that entertainment was just narrating tales that were fun, and she would always associate some song with a situation. It was amusing.

I still remember the trip we made to Belgaum - I do not remember the purpose of the trip. But she loves ice-cream and we went to this really cool ice-cream place that had very exotic ice-creams. Basically sundae's with different fruit/nut toppings. In the mid-80's that was very exotic, and not something you got in Goa. I remember her sons, and I ordered Vanilla ice-cream. She literally acted like she did not know us when the waiter arrived to take our order. She always got the most exotic ice-cream or chocolate.

For our birthdays, she always got us very unique presents! She knew what to get and at what age - that was the present you looked forward to open. Or save it for the end - you knew it was going to be good.
Every raksha-bandhan, she always had the best rakhi for my dad - every year they got better and better - they were the best sold in the market, and she also had a song that went with the rakhi she sang as she tied the rakhi to my dad. Same with bhaubiz, there was always a new song every year ! That kind of enthusiasm is infectious - some has brushed on me but nothing at that level.

We had a trademark picture that we took with her in the middle, and me and my sister on each side. I do not have the picture when we were little.  We did version 2.0 of that picture during my wedding reception - and yea, both me and sister were 20 years or something older, but Ati had the same infectious enthusiasm.

At my wedding reception, November 2005.

I got to spend a little more time with Ati for Dada's wedding, but not a lot of quality time.  But I saw her enthusiasm as she welcomed her daughter-in-law. I could see that she was greeting the new member in their family with the same enthusiasm. I am sure she is a fine mother-in-law. I am sure Sunaina has a good time chatting with her, and sharing a part of her life with her. There is never a dull moment when Ati is around.

When I look back to all the times we had together with Dada and Sameet - I always wonder how my parents had the time or rather how they made time for every child's birthday, every adult's birthday, and wedding anniversaries, and other casual dinners. Also, what stands out to me is how close of cousins my dad and Ati were. That family or rather extended family closeness is very unique and growing up I saw how our families were really there for one another. Since me, and my sister did not have a brother, Dada and Sameet were like brothers to us. There wasn't a question in my mind for every Raksha-bandhan whom I was tying a rakhi to! Our family made raksha-bandhan and bhaubiz a very grand celebration. Those were really fun times, and Ati of course made them more fun!


Now that Dada, Sameet, Shubhra, and I are literally on different continents, the distance has made the same relationships we once had a little distant. We are now "in touch" on "Facebook", or "Orkut" or "Skype". These social networking sites do help - i.e. we can see what each of us are doing, and what is going on in each of our lives, but what is missing is that these experiences are not shared or that same togetherness does not exist. I can see that we have additional responsibilities to make sure the next generation knows their cousins. How we do it is a challenge, and just like my parents, and Ati's family took the time to build strong bonds we will need to do the same - possibly over Skype or something similar.

The Last Interval

Last evening, Karthik and I went running and of course the only way we can do this is when we take Adhrit along in the jogger.  The jogger we have is pretty good, in the sense, unless you want to run intervals it does not get in your way. Well, yesterday Karthik's running plan included intervals! We warmed up and I pushed Adhrit along until Karthik took over for a little bit, and I did the first interval (5 mins at pretty good speed) with Adhrit - pushing him through the trail. I think it was a pretty tough effort, but much easier than what was in store. 

The 2nd interval, Karthik had him and I realized how fast you can actually run when you are not pushing a jogger. I felt good, and could feel my stride. The 3rd one (last one) was interesting, around 2 mins, Adhrit started crying.. it was more of a "I am scared cry" than "I am hungry" cry. When we go out together, I want all of us to have a good time - Adhrit loves watching cars, different things from the jogger and I think it is time he is experiencing a whole new world. When he was crying, I decided it did not make sense to continue with my interval workout, and turn back and get him comfortable. 

During my normal runs, I normally talk to Adhrit - well I talk and he says "ba", "ba ba" back to me. Yesterday, it was tough to talk since we were doing intervals. 

But since he was crying, I decided that it would be just a good if not harder exercise for my lungs if I sang and ran at a decent pace. Normally couple of his favorite songs calms him down. If that does not work, narrating him his favorite book "Pepper goes to school" definitely works. So, as per plan, we did the "Hokey Pokey", "Wheels on the bus" - yes we did all the things we do in the "wheels on the bus", and that was sufficient. Every time I stopped to catch my breath and had to stop "singing" he would be "ummmm" - almost saying - how can you stop talking to me??? 

I think the run back was harder than the 2 intervals that we did at least for me, and he enjoyed the ride in the jogger as much as I had a workout. Around 5 mins from home, I noticed that when I had stopped for a breath, there was no response "ummm" - the li'l guy was fast asleep! 

It has been such a pleasure for me to share one of my passion with my son who is my greatest passion! We have had many outings together and I suspect we will have plenty more together... but this one was interesting run we had together.

Transitions

It's been a while since I wrote something - honestly last few weeks have been very tiring, and a little bit stressful. They say "When it rains, it pours!" - not exactly that bad, but we had a little bit of pouring rain and I'm hoping we have good weather for a little while.

My son who is now 9 months old had a few rough weeks, and he went through a lot of transitions during that time. When he was around 8 months - he went through what they call "separation anxiety" and started to discern his affection between me and other family members. I have always been a person who needs her space, keeps a safe distance - I get close to very few people, and I like to have my time - time for myself. The same person was also going through a transition along with the li'l guy.

Adhrit has made his way straight to my heart - I now know why cupid is frequently show shooting his bow into the heart. Adhrit has done just that. The same person I described earlier has forgotten what she once was - or rather has a big exception when it comes to Adhrit. When I think about my love for him - its tough to put it into words let alone type it on the keyboard.

Since he was around 6 months old, he started to understand that I'm his mom, and he started showing a separate kind of affection/trust in me. The smile, and joy on his face when I got home to see him for lunch or got home from work - no camera could capture that emotion, but it is a picture that is well captured in my mind and heart. He made me feel very special, and I loved it. We got very close since then, and around 8 months it peaked where he would not want to let go of me! The same person who wanted her space, had no space !!!

Today he and I went for a run early in the morning, and I realized - when it came to him, a lot of things just did not matter. I moulded myself like plastic being poured into a mould, or like a skirt that moulds the figure of a well shaped woman!

While the separation anxiety was happening to the li'l guy, his grand parents who took care of him for 3 months (since he was around 5 months) left for India, his nanny who loved him, and cared for him like his mom (sometimes she would give in more than his mom!) also decided to quit, and we had to enroll him in a day care. Huge transition for a kid who was used to 5 people taking care of him or rather a 1:5 ratio to a 5:1 ratio, someone who was rocked/strolled/patted to sleep to just being "put to sleep" in a play pen! Now that I put this down, I realized how much of a transition it was for him.

Initially, I tried to resist the changes that were happening to him, trying to go back to the nanny, but something in me kept me going and sane. I realized that the transition is a good one for him, and the rough 2 weeks that he might have will help him be a different child. I kept reminding myself of the positives that this transition would bring to him. On the first day, he refused to take a sip of liquid, or a byte of food! I went to feed him over lunch, and made sure there were only 2-3 hours between him being in the day care. Around day 4, he accepted his care-giver there, and in a week was more relaxed. Dropping off was hard, but I made sure I was upbeat and always told him "I Love you, and will see you soon". I would sit in the car and would really try hard not to have tears roll down my cheeks. Those were some tough days. Having support of my husband, my parents, and close friends really helped go through this phase. My boss at work was also very supportive, and excused me if I had to rush to the day care to take care of Adhrit. It's been three weeks now, and he seems relaxed and settled at the day care, but the li'l guy went through another transition!

His crib used to be in our bedroom, and around 7 months, he started spending more time in our bed than in his crib at night. This started when he was teething - he had three teeth come out at once! But the few weeks before that were rough on him, and I used to have him close to me so he felt comforted. That soon became a norm for him and he started resisting his crib. We did not mind having him in our bed but that meant he slept as many or as little hours as us - which is between 5-6 hours each night. A baby at that age should typically sleep 11-13 hours at night ! So he was getting 1/2 the sleep - imagine how you would feel getting 2-3 hours of sleep! At his 9 month check-up the doctor recommended to move him to his own room and that would solve this problem. Luckily this was a month after we started day care. She told us about her son and how it helped him. Many friends had also suggested that to us, but I think it coming from the doctor hit home run. Once again, I looked at what we were going to get as a result of this transition for him. A rested baby - and more rested parents! I have not slept more than 3-4 hours at a stretch for the last 9 months.

After the appointment, with a very heavy heart my husband moved Adhrit's crib into the next room. After our normal bedtime ritual - we put him in his crib, and left. He protested a lot - his cry was more of a protest/complain, and it was sporadic - but after 40 minutes, he finally settled himself to sleep. He woke up few times at night, and I was there with him, consoled him, and put him back in his crib. That was "night 1". Night 2 was a lot more different - he settled himself down in 15 minutes, and he put himself back to sleep in a matter of a few minutes. I saw him early in the morning and he and I went for a run after a bottle of milk. And that's when I thought of all in this post! "Night 3" was completely different which is when I'm writing this post - we got back from our Thursday night swim, he had a good dinner, drank his milk, and he was out like a light after our bedtime ritual and when I placed him in his crib - he settled himself down in a position he sleeps in and is sleeping since!

This post has been inspired by a post I read today from Kristin Armstrong:
Ten Steps 

Labor Day

This evening I had the chance to spend 20 minutes talking to my very close friends - thanks to the iPhone, we could chat as though we were in the hostel room in Goa engineering college except the conversation topics had changed from the crushes, and cute guys, and other dating tips to husbands, pregnancy, weight gain, labor, ... Nevertheless, there was the same laughter when we recollected old times, deep dark secrets that we shared, and more!

After an hour or so after the phone call, I took off for a run around 9 pm. During the initial part of my run, I was very happy to have made my parents day this year for Father's Day! I really did not know where I was going to run, I just wanted to run. Once I got my stride (around 15-20 mins into the run), I thought about labor and how the entire episode ended up for me. I always thought I would write about it but never got around to it. As I ran, I recollected that particular night (Oct 21st , 1:30 am) when I had to rush to the bathroom as I felt a gush ... yeah - my membranes had ruptured or in lay man's term - "my water broke".

I called the doctor from the toilet seat to make sure I gave her all the exact details of the color of the liquid that came out and the amount and everything she wanted to know. The doctor suggested that I come in, and come in with my labor bag ready as if we were having a baby. My husband and I had taken childbirth classes at the hospital, and as a part of the curriculum we were asked to keep our labor bag (goody bag), my hospital bag, and baby's bag ready on the last day of class. Diligent students that we were, we followed the guidelines and packed all three bags. We had a checklist to go through, and we had everything ready. The goody bag basically has things that you require on the day you go through labor. Now, for first time mother's this can be tricky, so the list really helps you, however, I personally think you really need to know what calms or relaxes you or rather what helps you get through pain. For me that was easy, the first item that went into my goody bag was my swim suit! Water has a very calming effect on me.

I did have some abdominal pains but at that time I did not know that they were "contractions", they were mild cramps and I could sit down, and they would pass away. Anyways, as instructed by the doctor, my husband and I got dressed, and headed out of the door with our packed bags. We did not know what to expect - I think many times that is a good place to be. The hospital is around 1.4 miles from our house, and in a very movie like fashion, as we drove to the hospital, we got pulled over by a cop! I couldn't believe this.. we got away as my husband explained that his wife is in labor ! I really felt like in the movies.

Once we got to the hospital, the nurse examined me, and suggested they start monitoring me until the doctor arrived. She recommended getting some rest until then. Little did I know that - it was the last night I would sleep through the night! Yes, it is 8 months today, and I have slept 5+ hours for may be 3 nights!

The doctor arrived around 3 am, she examined me, and said "Congratulations, you are having a baby!". I was exactly 36 weeks pregnant on that day, and we just looked at each other not knowing what our emotion should really be! I remember we asking her - " are you sure ?" and she said yes! She also recommended we get as much rest as possible since first time labor can last up to 16 hours! At that point, I was 2.5 cm dilated I think - so 1/4th the total dilation amount before the baby could make its way out!

I lay on my left side - and let my body move and rest in a position where the contractions were not causing me pain. I slept until 9:30 am to be woken up by the doctor on call for that day. The doctor was Eryn Munks and she was my favorite of the five doctors that I used to see in the clinic I was going to. I always wanted her to be the doctor that delivered me. She came to examine me and my labor had not progressed. She recommended I do things to progress the labor and she would check on me at noon.

Now, it was time to go back to the child birth class notes that we had taken, books we had read, and labor positions that we were taught. One book that helped me was "Breathe your way through yoga" a book written by a British mid-wife. She had positions for every stage of labor and yoga poses that would help progress the labor. My husband and I took this seriously and followed the poses - we walked through the hallways for 15 mins until we met the nurse - her name was Gayle. She was the most wonderful nurse I met, and I thank her for all the help - she really helped me get through the day.

She felt my pulse very soon - she exactly knew the kind of person i was. She quickly put me on a circuit. She recommended I spend 15 mins walking, 15 mins on the rocking chair, 15 mins on the birth ball, and spend 15 mins on my hands and knees. And I repeat this circuit a few times! I completely understood this language - right from my childhood, I have had a very structured lifestyle and having exercised all my life this kinda circuit made complete sense.

Karthik and I went through the circuit together - we did the "Couple's embrace" as we walked through the hallways - it is a very powerful position. You feel the energy from your spouse into you as you embrace - you get the feeling of sharing the pain together. Through the contractions, I kept practicing level 1 breathing as taught in the childbirth class. We also did the "Camel walk" to progress labor in stage 1. The rocking chair definitely helped through the contractions - you could rock the pain away! The birth-ball actually helped progress the labor a lot more than the walking or rocking chair. We followed the circuit and when the doctor came to see us at noon - we had made significant progress - we were at 5 cm dilation (1/2 way through) and she said "Good job! Continue doing what you just did !"

I looked at Gayle and asked her - "What next Gayle?" At that point, I had decided to have her coach me through the labor. I had found a person that I was going to trust and would have her guide me through the process. Karthik was my emotional coach, he was there with me all through the process, never left me for a minute through the entire day. Around 1 pm, my angel arrived - one of my closest friends - Gloria came to see us. I think her coming helped Karthik a little. There was someone whom he could trust me with. These are two people whom I am closest to in Boulder - and have known me since 2001!

Gloria always has a way to relax you, make you happy, and she has always encouraged me a lot. She held my hand when I needed, helped me through the pain as I continued through the deep breaths, and did whatever that was necessary at that time without saying a word to her! Such is our friendship.

One thing I had decided about labor after understanding the process, and all the medical details - I was going to have an open mind and do what is the best thing at that time. Normally I like to have a plan and have everything organized, but I had decided to go with the flow during labor. Looking back, I think that was the best thing to do. I had learned what are the implications of taking pain medications, about drugs that help progress labor and all the other medical issues that concerned child birth. Having grown up around parents who are both doctors, doing this research, understanding the process came naturally to me. I wanted to know everything that could happen to me when the day arrived! We were ready!

We continued to go through the circuit, and Gayle recommended I spend more time in the "hands and knees" position to progress the labor further. The doctor came to examine me again and I was up to 6.5 cms but she noticed that the baby's head was posterior and it could lead to "back labor" - i.e. a lot of back pain as the baby came out. I had suffered through back pain since 8 weeks and did not want more of it. I looked at Gayle. She seem to be calm, and once the doctor left she recommended the "hands and knees" position, this time for 30 mins. She adjusted the bed at the right angle, and she was confident the baby would turn. I just trusted her!

The contractions were now more intense - they would last about 4-5 breaths. For some reason, I only felt the peaks of the contractions. I could never feel when they started, but only felt when they peaked - so I felt an intense pain and then no pain. And the cycle continued. Karthik and Gloria did everything to make me comfortable. Karthik just would do the exact right thing that was needed to be done at that moment! I was amazed how good of a coach he was. I just let them control everything - and followed what they said. One thing that the child birth instructor kept stressing was "Child birth is natural" and what she meant, I realized when I was in the "hands and knees" position. I actually felt the baby move! When I told Gayle that - she said "The baby's head is in the right direction now!" It felt very magical!

After about an hour, with the intensity of the pain increasing, I knew what I should do next. I told Gayle I need to get into the Jacuzzi. She started filling it with water - I had brought bath salts with me, and I hopped into the tub. As I felt the contractions, I would start the jets. The jets would make me buoyant and help with pain management. I stayed in the tub for 45 mins, and came out feeling very tired. When I got out, the pain became very unbearable. I felt like squatting a lot - couldn't use the rocking chair any more, couldn't use the birth ball - I just cringed to the closet handles, let my body move as I had the contractions. They were more intense, and close together. The pain was just increasing. Gayle said "It is a good thing - you are almost there!"

All through the day, I had paced myself just like I do when I run. Every contraction I saw through, I told myself - that contraction was done, and I was onto the next contraction. In running analogy, I looked at that as miles that I ran. Once the mile was done, it was done. I remember doing the 1/2 iron man in 2005 and starting the half marathon after a 56 mile bike ride with a cramp in my thigh muscle. I had to run 13.1 miles with the muscle cramping. I took one mile at a time, and kept going through the miles telling myself, once this mile was done, I was one step closer. I used the same approach during labor.

Gayle asked me "Do you feel like you want to poop - do you feel the urge to push?" and I said "yes, I do." She examined me and said "You are ready!, Let's teach you to push" This was one thing they had asked us not to practice in our child birth class.

For some reason, for the first time in the day, I started feeling scared. All sorts of thoughts came to my mind - "was I ready for the baby ?" , "How will the baby be ? ", "How will my life be? " and many more. All these thoughts were coming to my mind when she was teaching me to push - my mind definitely was not in the present. It was distracted, I was scared. I did exactly the opposite thing - she asked me to hold my breath, and I released it. I felt terrible as I had done everything very well so far.. why was I holding back????

As I continued to push, and they could see the baby's head or in medical terms - "crowning", they decided it was time to call the doctor. The doctor arrived and I could sense a little pressure/tension. Eryn had known me through my pregnancy - I had seen her at least 5-6 times. She was very calm, patient and worked with me. Not sure if she saw it, but I was still not doing the right thing. I was holding back. It was about an hour that I was pushing - and she finally said "Shweta, I am going to give this a few more pushes - if we don't do this right, you might end up with a tear" - well that was sufficient for me - I remembered the line in the movie - The Matrix - "There is no spoon", and in 2 pushes, Adhrit was out!

My husband and Gloria came and hugged me. Karthik wanted to make sure I was ok. He cut the umbilical cord - I was happy he did that. I always wanted him to do that. I told him to go and see the baby as they took Adhrit to the other table to run few tests. I could hear him cry, but man I was happy the labor was over!

The doctors brought the little baby over to me. It was very nice to see him, and I felt very happy. I wasn't sure what was going to follow, but I was happy the day was behind me and I had a new buddy in life!

Falling in love .. yet again...

I am married to the most wonderful person on this planet - my husband Karthik. How we met, became friends, fell in love, got married is a post yet for some other day...

On Oct 21, 2009 we became parents for the very first time - and were greeted by our son at 7:11 pm. I call him my 7 Eleven boy! He was born at 36 weeks, so his arrival did take us by surprise so it took me a while to adjust to him, and my new role. I'm not the falling in love at first sight person, and I did not feeling the sense of bonding towards my son - Adhrit right away. Initially it was about learning how to nurse, clean diapers, and make sure the little guy was ok, and was well fed. My husband and I would time the process of feed/clean/feed again/clean - and the fastest we did was 45 minutes - I still remember. The initial few weeks were tough, and are like a haze to me. When I see his pictures - I can't believe how tiny he was, and how his clothes were so huge for him.

Somewhere between 6 weeks - 8 weeks after he was born, I had a chance to take a breath, and start to get to know him, get a sense of bonding towards him. When I did, it was a different feeling all together - something I had never experienced, but only heard from other moms.

Now my son is 6 months old, and our bond has grown stronger, and stronger each day. We have activities that both of us enjoy. He joins us in bed after 3 am in the morning, and the few hours with him in bed is bliss. He loves the water - put some water in the sink, and he will kick around in the water for hours (given a choice). During that time, he has a sense of content look on his face. He does not show too many emotions when he is loving what he does - he is just too involved in the activity. He has the same look on his face when he is on the swing, and when he is in the baby carrier. I can sense he is content. I am waiting to go swimming with him, introduce him to a medium he was in for 36 weeks :)

I am amazed by the amount of faith he has in me. Holding him calms him down so much. He seems to put a lot of trust in me. The smile I get every time he sees me when I come home for lunch or come home at the end of the day - just makes my heart explode with different emotions for him. A very different set of emotions surface when I see him. He is growing up too fast for me, and I want to freeze these moments if I can. Normally, I want to do a 100 things in a day kinda person, but when I am with him, its amazing how I can just do nothing and my day is made. I still remember one afternoon he and I spent in bed, we did nothing but nap, read, nurse.. just stayed in bed for hours ! It was such a perfect Saturday afternoon.

His smile, his laugh make me happy. Playing pat-a-cake with him makes him happy. Just saying "ku-ku" cracks him up!

Being with him, makes me realize how simple life can actually be - and I strive for my life to be as simple as his!

Somewhere between week 0 and now, I fell in love with him - I just did not know until today when I chatted with my best friend. And it feels great!

Looking forward to many many years of fun with the little guy!

To Run or Not to Run

A couple of nights ago, we were talking about conscience over dinner table. How to be true to your conscience, and how you can get there.

At my next morning run, after the initial banter going on in my mind - my thoughts were diverted to that topic. I realized a few things about running and me.

I run so I can be a better person for myself, and for people around me. My husband literally tells me "You need to go for a run", and I know exactly what he means.. and just a 2 mile run will change me into a completely different person.

After I run, I am more in tune with my inner self, I can listen to the inner voices that tell me what to do. I get closer to my instincts. It makes me a more powerful person.

The place I live - Boulder, CO boasts of numerous trails - but it seems like I always run on the one that is closest to me. It is exactly about 1-1.5 mile warmup before I hit the trail, and then it is almost like my legs know what to do - which turn to take, when the tunnel arrives, what to look for, where the hills start - they dictate my stride. I need no music, no watch, no monitors, just me, and my run. This is the same person who used to time every mile, run at a particular heart-rate, and look a zillion times at my heart-rate monitor.

Now, I enter a zone with my run where thoughts flow to me, I question myself, and I get answers. On my way home from my run, I run through a neighborhood - more of a cool down run, but I always cross the street at the same point - like it was pre-programmed. I am amazed how my feet just do the talking!

I have run on this trail for the last 4-5 years, and it has never got boring to me. Every season, every day I see new things along this trail. When I run in the morning, I am happy to greet fellow runners "morning" or just wave. Sometimes after a snowfall or rain, the trail has some adventures in store - a lot of hop, skip, jumps to avoid the little puddles. All in all, the trail is the place that transforms me.

For some reason, I need the movement to bring about a feeling of stillness inside me. The strides to bring a sense of inner calm.

So, when in doubt, I just go for a run - cause I know I will be a different person at the end.